Cock-Tail Conversation: How PRIVATE PARTY came to be one of the best safe-sex parties in NYC

For this month's Cock-Tail Conversation I talk with host Richard about how PRIVATE PARTY, one of the longest running and most popular safe-sex parties in the city came to be. He had a lot to tell me so let's get right to it, shall we?

A: Hello Richard, thanks for agreeing to being the subject of the next Cock-Tail Conversation. To begin, I'd love to learn a little bit about the genesis of the party. Did you attend other parties before starting your own and, if so, what was your experiences with them?

R: I was married and 29 years old when I came out. All the pieces of the puzzle came together when I met Jeff--I divorced and he and I set up home and a life . That lasted nine months before his cough began and a few months later he had full-blown AIDS and died the next year. I threw myself into the early quests for experimental meds and protocols, so by the time so many of our friends were diagnosed, I had a general idea of what was plausible or possible. After 8 years of what seemed to be non-stop death watch, I found myself without close gay friends and tried to re-enter the gay social life. Bars were never the answer for me and so I explored the parties--each one was billed as safe, clean, friendly etc. and one after the next proved to be the opposite. One particular, Carter's had the foundation to be on point but it was poorly run. Much of what I saw there eventually helped form NYBN.

A: That being New York By Night, the predecessor to PRIVATE PARTY. When and how did that party come to be?

R: I think it started in 1994 or '95. After trying four or five other  parties that proved to be disappointing, in various ways, but consistently cavalier about safe sex, I was talked into trying to give my own with someone who had also been a care partner during the early days. We had three parties which in retrospect seemed fine until I found that he was selling assorted pills at my front door. I chased him out and said goodnight to all who were there and, closing the door I assumed that it was locked to the gay world going forward. Very happily, shortly thereafter, I started hearing from a number of the guys who had attended, asking me to try this again. After about twenty calls I started to realize that my very generalized concept had a future. I invited them to come discuss what would actually appeal to that mysterious gay world.

A: Was NYBN more or less the same party that you host now and, if not, what has changed (other than the name)?

R: Initially, it was a very trendy crowd --very young with appearance as the utmost qualification--great body and face-- the criteria. At that time, safe sex was making a comeback so that part was not an issue. The parties were dimly lit, BYOB , not particularly friendly and started very late in the evening. I knew it was safe but it just was not fun. My concept of the "gay world" was hardly a barrel of laughs so it took a long time for me to start inserting my thoughts as to what this could be. Initially, it was come get naked -if you looked good --come join the party. They were sporadic and when one was planned, I actually phoned everyone on my list. Until last year the parties were underwear or less --they are now nude. What has really changed is that guys can be themselves in a safe sex social environment--comfortable to chat, laugh, discuss the world and fuck without impunity. Years ago, guys barely acknowledged each other. Now, handshakes, hugs, introductions and getting to know each other is the norm with an unspoken discretion.

A: When and why did NYBN become Private Party?

R: As the party list grew over a decade and phone calls became e-mails, I found that I knew fewer and fewer of the guys attending. The young dudes of a decade earlier were now much more couch potatoes. People were bringing friends or randomly posting the address on line. Although there were few problems of any consequence, I thought I was losing control of the events and considered ending it. I had made many friends through the group and starting asking their opinions. After about a year of hearing ideas (almost all were consistent), it was time to re-evaluate and re-create. At this point the phone screening where I explain much of the info I am giving you now became an integral part of the screening. This allowed the guys to see that there was a history of rising from the ashes of the plague years to a very fun, safe, social event--not to mention, all the sex most men might want on any given night. I was quick to learn that the phone screening did require a back-up with an in-person interview to confirm that each guy fit the criteria. It was always important to communicate that this is a safe-sex/drug free party and that will always be the emphasis. I was also finding that a party that ended by midnight appealed to the young professional who had a very busy life and was happy to fit a few hours of a social/sexual gathering into a weeknight. Weekend parties were never a consideration since I was seeing that our members enjoyed a well-rounded life with this as an enhancement and not a complete lifestyle. NYBN became PRIVATE PARTY over a period of three months--first I edited anyone that I did not know off the lists, then sent a series of e-mails explaining the change and inviting guys to become part of the new group. After three months I took all the positive responses, began a new list and started again.

A: What motivates you to continue to host them?

R: Occasionally, I get frustrated and think of the grand finale but then the next month 100 great guys join us and have a wonderful time. I have made many friends who are an integral part of the party and I enjoy seeing regularly. Also, as I get older, it is rewarding for me to speak with and meet some of the truly outstanding and accomplished young guys who would not cross my path otherwise--and hopefully that works both ways. Additionally, I repeatedly hear that PRIVATE PARTY remains unique and viable and I am proud to continue the concept nearing two decades.

A: How did you come up with your screening process?

R: Pure evolution. It is easy to establish criteria, but harder to be sure that you can match and maintain that membership. When I was asked a question often, I then incorporated it into my intro. It was quickly apparent that speaking on the phone and confirming in person allowed a strong vetting process that was consistent. I try to make it fun and "painless" communicating what I take quite seriously but also emphasizing that this is a very social, friendly event.

A: Have you ever participate in your own parties? 

R: Rarely.

A: The reason being? 

R: The easiest answer is that I am busy. The more accurate answer might require an analysts couch. I enjoy greeting everyone at the door and also being there to say goodnight. I have great helpers but I do oversee to make sure supplies, refreshments and anything else that might be needed is available at all times.

A: What would you like the future of Private Party to be? 

R: I am happy and proud with the current state of PRIVATE PARTY. However, we are always developing, trying new ideas and open to everyone's suggestions BUT I will always maintain the same integrity. Just last June we became an all nude party....for years I was asked to do it but was skeptical. After two parties, it was clear from the members that this was the way to go and it is now permanent. Several other ideas are simmering but I have finally learned about not fixing things that are not broken. The five friends who help me make it all come together seamlessly each month are integral to the success.

A: Do you have any other future plans?

R: To keep the monthly event as exciting as it has been....adding new members monthly to continue the mix of well-built, well-groomed, handsome, professional guys who understand and practice safe sex in a drug free ,very social atmosphere. One friend is reaching out through Gridr and other social/cyber media to get the word out faster and more efficiently than my smoke signal like methods.

A: Richard, thank you so much for taking the time to give us a glimpse at how PRIVATE PARTY came to be and what keeps it successful. I appreciate you being so open and sharing so much with us. 

Richard's next PRIVATE PARTY is coming up this Wednesday, so if you aren't on his invite list yet and "fit the bill" so to speak, make sure you contact him immediately so he can set you up for your phone interview. Here are the details of this Wednesday's party:

Wednesday, June 4th

PRIVATE PARTY (Midtown West) Great social sex party with a good mix of twinks to muscle dudes to toned average guys. This is a great party to try if you've never been to a party before: social, safe, and a clean atmosphere, no attitude. The best part is that there is plenty of hot sex at this party – not just standing around. Recommended.

THE HOST SAYS: “PRIVATE PARTY is an exclusive monthly, all-nude, safe-sex and social event for well-built, well-groomed, handsome, professional men and students 18- 45. PRIVATE PARTY events are safe, discreet, friendly, completely drug-free and open only to our members. In order to maintain our standards all potential members are screened by phone prior to a brief confirmatory in-person interview. Members of this large organized group are in fine physical and mental shape ,work-out/exercise on a regular basis in addition to being confident, interesting and accomplished. This is a highly screened group who practice safe-sex and enjoy mixing and meeting in a drug-free, friendly, all-nude, social and sexual environment."

VERIFIED SPECIFICS

DOOR POLICY: Very Selective

VIBE: Social and Friendly

SS/BB: A safe-sex party

DONATION: $25 and $1 clothes check

SUPPLIES: Drinks, snacks, condoms and lube, towels and shower amenities

TIME: 8:30-11:30 (Apr.-July), 8:00-11:30 (Sept. -Mar.)

FREQUENCY: Monthly, usually on a Wednesday 

CROWD: 80 to 100+ guys, mostly white collar professionals and students

AGE: 18-45 (no one over 45, average age is 25-35)

SPACE: Safe, clean private loft apartment

LIGHTING: Atmospheric lighting with full visibility while appropriate for the mood.

A GOOD PARTY FOR: Guys into well-build, well-groomed white-collar professionals and students, guys into safe-sex, guys into younger “twink” types, guys tired of the bar scene, first-timers.

NOT A GOOD PARTY FOR: Guys into leather or other various fetishes. Guys into heavily-inked guys, guys into men with facial or body hair, guys into masculine beefy types. Guys who like to PnP.

GETTING IN: E-mail PRIVATE.PARTY@MSN.COM for complete info.

See you there men!